Quick update

So as of next Thursday I will have been dieting for 11 weeks.  My goal was to get under 120kg in 12 weeks when I first started.  I am currently 125.5kg, so I don't think this will happen.  That is not a big deal though, as I have managed to stay full and reasonably strong by having the odd high calorie day to refeed the muscles.  As of today I have lost 26kg from my heaviest around the time of my injury.

HEALTH BENEFITS NOTICED SO FAR:
Cough has gone completely.
Quality of sleep has improved significantly (been an insomniac for years).
Cardio ability is actually becoming pretty good.  I can maintain a heart rate of around 140 for an hour now and do so regularly.
Resting heart rate has gone from 100 to 65.
My knee injury is hampering me significantly less now I am having to bear less weight on it.  This will aid in healing once I get the cartilage cut away (it still needs a tidy up in there).
I don't get as hot. At 150kg+ it was pretty uncomfortable even to sit in room temperature.

NEGATIVES SO FAR:
My pressing power has gone down slightly.  Not as much as expected, but I am definitely not as powerful top end.  I am actually better at reps now though, because my heart works better getting blood flowing and getting rid of lactate and so on. The increase in my rep ability could be built on to eventually lead to new PBs I reckon.

 This is from a couple of weeks ago.  I was about 129kg in this video.  I plan on having a little refeed when I get to 120kg.  Be prepared to see some decent numbers again then.

To the whisperers and the doubters that consider my time in the strength game over, I suggest you hold onto your dicks tightly... this is just the beginning!  ;)

This week's training and a few thoughts...

This week has been a fairly standard one; hit every bodypart (apart from legs, hard to do much for those while devoid of an ACL), and got a good pump on everything apart from back.  I think maybe I am still using a little too much biceps and forearms when I train back.  Arms are a weakpoint so I hit them twice this week.  My best sets this week were 140kgx15 on bench and 120kgx19 on close grip bench, both with my feet in the air as per the knee injury.

I have been running a concoction of different peptides since getting injured.  GHRP6 and CJC-1295 no DAC are working very well together and I am able to tolerate the hunger sides from GHRP6 pretty well.  I just stuff myself full of high protein foods when the ghrelin (hormone responsible for hunger) kicks in.  I have also been using TB-500 to alleviate the swelling around the knee.  I have definitely noticed a remarkable improvement from it.  Walking is definitely easier for a few days after administering it.  Funds are getting a little low with being off work, but I am hoping I will be able to continue at least running a moderate dose of GHRP6 and CJC-1295 throughout my diet, and indeed to help with recovery of my knee post surgery.  I am planning to write an article in the future about what peptides I like, what doses I have used and how well they work.  In the meantime if you want more general information about these there is plenty on google.

It's been exactly a month now since I wound up injured, and thus this will be the fifth weekend I have not worked the doors.  I still haven't adjusted to not working weekend nights, and am still finding this part of being injured the hardest to deal with mentally.

EATING TO GET FUCKIN' HUGE

I think it is time for a slightly more light-hearted post!  I think it goes without saying that I am not recommending anyone eat like this, but I am just going to explain some of the ridiculous things I have done in order to get calories down my neck in the past.

I never particularly liked food as a kid.  I recall being forced to eat vegetables etc. and as a result never looked forward to mealtimes.  As a result, I wasn't a big eater when I first started training.  Eating enough was a problem for me initially.  When I say eating enough I mean enough for fast strength and size gains.  Anyone who knows me in person knows I am not the most patient individual going.  When I wanted to see gains, I wanted to see them right then!

Chucking loads of shit in a blender and mixing and drinking has always been my favourite way to get the calories in.  Oats, peanut butter, milk, honey, protein powder, chocolate powder were the staples.  I threw in whatever else I could find.  Double cream, whipped cream, whole fucking chocolate cakes, maple syrup, raw eggs, tinned tuna and even tinned salmon!  A salmon bone getting lodged in my throat half way through necking a 3000 calorie shake was never the greatest experience, but needs must to get huge!  Another rather nice tasting shake I used to make twice a day was a blend of summer fruits squash, a 500ml pot of full-fat Greek yoghurt, 2 cans of tuna, a tablespoon of peanut butter and a scoop of whey.  I could neck that badboy in one, even used to time myself and try and beat my previous best times every time!

Food wise I tried eating clean when I way younger and found I could never get enough calories in, and progress would be very slow.  Looking back now I was pretty lazy really, and the reality of it was I would rather eat 12 jam tarts straight from the packet for 1400 calories than take the time to cook a much more nutritious meal.  So, over the years my eating habits got progressively worse.  As long as I was getting the calories in I was continuing to see progress in the gym so why change anything?  Last year I was eating fast food meals multiple times a day, whole pizzas, tubs of ice-cream, packs of jam tarts, drinking sugary drinks purely for the extra calories, and setting my alarm in the middle of the night in order to guzzle as much full fat milk as I could manage!  At the time I was 150kg and if I didn't consistently eat over 10000 calories I noticed my performance in the gym would suffer, and my weight would also go down.  At this point I stuffed myself with loaves of white bread, I used to put salt and vinegar chipsticks in the bread to make crisp sandwiches and eat those every couple of hours.  I was convinced the bloat from the salt was going to make me stronger aswell, or at the very least cushion my joints.  In case it itn't obvious, I didn't enjoy eating these foods, it was something I did because I was convinced that I needed to do it in order to keep hitting PBs.

I have also used certain substances in order to make me eat more!  I noticed that using proton pump inhibitors allowed me to eat more by reducing the stomach acid pumped out.  I wouldn't get that full feeling, and it felt as though my stomach would empty quicker, allowing me to eat again.  I abused these for months and coming off them left me with chronic heartburn (since dieting properly this has improved but still flares up from time to time) because the stomach compensates by releasing more acid when you discontinue use.  GHRP6 was a much better alternative, it literally makes you hungry by increasing ghrelin production.  I used that specifically to binge eat and ensure I got my calories in.

Stress and anxiety were the two things that I found ruined my apetite more than anything else.  I knew (thought, maybe?) if I couldn't eat then I couldn't gain, and as a result I avoided anything that could bring these things into my life.  That meant avoiding relationships all together as they would always bring stress and working minimal hours (enough to eat) and only working on the doors (I never found that stressful).  This sounds excessive, I know, but it was a better option than the spell of depression that would occur if I didn't progress in my lifting.

Why I started lifting

I was a geeky kid. I wore glasses, played chess, was academic and rarely played sports. This was great at the time given that I was home-educated up to age 12. The highlights of my week were Star Trek Voyager and Stargate SG-1 coming on TV. I was sci-fi obsessed, amd obsessed with topics such as astronomy, maths and physics, and as a result was successful in tests and exams in these.

Things changed rapidly when, at age 12, I was thrown into a college environment. College here in the UK is aimed at 16-18 year olds for the best part. So, basically I was smaller, shorter and weaker than everyone else around me. All I had in my favour was my academic knowledge but soon I found this worked against me as I was picked on constantly for being a geek, a nerd, a loser. Bus rides to and from college were the worst. I sat on my own, usually next to old ladies downstairs and used to try to not get noticed. If I was noticed then kids from all neighbouring schools would insult me, call me names, throw pens and pencils at me. At college things were no better, I had no peers because of the age gap. Lunch breaks were spent sat next to the bin by myself. If I was lucky, I would be left alone. If I was unlucky I would have chewed bits of food thrown into my lunch box. Life was terrible at this time for me. I felt insignificant, unwanted and useless. This went on for 2 years. I would see the same kids that bullied me daily walking down the college corridor with a beautiful girl on their arms. If I dared to even look at the girl to admire her, both of them would make a hurtful comment.  Bullying by girls was very very tough to deal with with a young teenage mind. Stunning looking girls would seemingly comfort me while their male friends were picking on me, only to join in later with comments such as 'as if I'd go for a loser like you'.  This was the start of my extreme hate for the world, and extreme hate for myself.

I got this idea one day that if I was to no longer to be small and weak, then I might be respected. I read everything I could about how to get big and strong, and begged my parents to buy me weights so I could start. After a few months, I got myself a part time job so I could afford gym membership. This was when life changed for me. I blew up, and realised I had decent genetics. My first year in the gym saw me gain 30kg of bodyweight. I would train simply to punish myself for being weak. It was a form of self harm, but one with a positive result. By the time I was 16 years old the bullying had stopped. And more importantly people respected me for my dedication to the gym and the results I had achieved. Even this was not enough. I wanted to be a freak, I wanted to be the centre of attention for being freakishly huge and strong. I imagined how good it would feel to compete, to lift massive weights and hear the cheers of the crowd. To know that they are cheering for me and my achievements... that is what I wanted.  A few years down the line I had my first experience of this. The sheer contrast between being glorified by a crowd and what it was like being ridiculed as a kid or simply ignored because I was nothing.  This is why I lift. This is why I like being big. I am going to die a FREAK, I am never going back to the person I was before the weights.

17/02/14 Chest and Triceps

Still waiting on a date for my ACL surgery. Managed to get my resting heart rate down to 75 in anticipation of surgery, the last thing I want is to be told I am not healthy enough to be operated on. I need to buy a new blood pressure monitor aswell, as my arms have outgrown my old one. Blood sugar is within the normal range.

Trained chest and triceps today, worked up to a top set of 140kgx15 on feet up bench. Hit 35-40 sets in total, was a good workout.

I am struggling with sticking to a regular sleep pattern with being off work.  Diet is still on point despite the daily cravings for pizza.

Psyching up, burning out the CNS and knowing when you're fully recovered

Nothing has the potential to end someone's lifting career as much as psyching up constantly, for every session, every set. Indeed I have trained with people who even used to do it before every single set of assistance work, and sadly watched them burn out over the course of a few years.  Many people who use the iron as an emotional outlet have gone the same way - rapid gains over a short amount of time and then crashing and burning.

So when is the correct time to psyche up for lifts? For me, it is when I go for a new PB in the gym. And always in competition. Going nuts for all your sets of assistance work and muscle building is totally pointless. Save the 'on' switch for when you actually need it. Same goes for the excessive use of stimulants. Smashing a ton of ephedrine before a light biceps and triceps workout is a bad idea, because when used too often it becomes less effective when you actually need it (in competition). Also when you psyche yourself up in the gym put yourself in a happy place. Negative motivation and reliving unhappy memories does work extremely well but the emotional stress it places on you is excessive. I save that for competition time only.

The nervous system varies from person to person but everyone needs to ensure that theirs is completely primed and fresh for competition. You may want to find your own method of knowing when yours is ready, so you know how long to deload for. You might find that when you are ready to roll that you become jittery and anxious, even without any caffeine. I personally found that playing chess against the computer was a good gauge. If I was still tired from my training cycle, I would get beaten easily. If I left it too long without training I would become too jittery to the point where I would rush things and end up making silly mistakes. Through trial and error I found I played best 5-7 days after my last training session, so this is how long I deloaded for last competition. I went to comp primed, fresh and ready. 240kg bench flew up faster than ever, followed by a close miss at 251kg which would have been the British record. This was after getting crushed by 247.5kg in training only 6 days before.

Introduction and a brief insight into my fucked up head!

INTRODUCTION AND A BIT ABOUT ME

For years I have been consumed by the desire to be as strong as is physically possible; to the extent that in my own mind it is like a journey towards glory and immortality.    Before getting injured badly (ACL tear - more on this later) I considered myself unbreakable to a point and as a result overlooked several things that could have made me a better lifter.  The desire to be strong controlled all areas of my life.  I would not miss a meal for years on end for anything, would only choose jobs that suited the lifestyle and haven't touched a drop of alcohol for over 4 years.  To me, lifting bigger weights every week was literally ALL that mattered.  I would have even gladly sacrificed my health if it meant a couple of extra kilos on the bar.  Around the time I got injured, my resting heart rate was pretty damn close to 100 beats per minute and I was 150kg at 5'8''.  Indeed if I had not got injured I would still be eating 10000-12000 calories per day and nothing would have changed.  You may ask at this point if it was all about competition against others and desire to win.  To a degree, yes.  It was great going to bench press competitions knowing I was going to win and beat my own records in the process.  However above all this for some reason I believed pursuing something relentlessly made me better than the rest of society.  I believed being focused on being as strong as possible would eventually lead to some kind of glory when I 'got there'.  I think that given the nature of my mentality 'getting there' would have been impossible, for example when I first managed to bench press 220kg I considered myself weak because I was unable to do 240kg and so on.  The video shows my pressing 245kg raw and paused, my all time PB.

ACL TEAR THAT NEARLY DESTROYED ME

 In January 2014, I attempted a 180kg log press.  I was pursuing the current British record of 195kg.  The fact that there were other people in the country that were stronger than myself actually affected my ability to sleep at night and fueled a form of self-hate.  This was a record I believed myself capable of, having succeeded to press a 170kg log without using any leg drive.  The 180kg log attempt set me off balance, resulting in a full ACL rupture, aswell as an MCL tear and severe damage to the meniscus.  I thought when I did it that life was literally over.  For years I had done nothing but lift heavy weights, focused on nothing apart from lifting, and now, I could no longer do it.  I also believed before I attained this injury that I was unbreakable and that something like this would never happen to me because I am genetically and physically superior to others.  As a result of this I ignored the need for prehab, stretching, rehab, rest, soft tissue work and so on.  

Click here to watch the injury from the log press

As of the time of writing this I am awaiting a surgery date, the good news is that it is fixable and I will lift heavy again in time.  Patience is something that I have never had, and this is going to be a test.

WHAT'S NEXT FOR ME?

While I am away from heavy weights injured, I decided to start a new journey.  One that will be tougher than anything I have done in the past.  My goals are to re-train my mind in order to be a better lifter when I do return, get lean and healthy for the first time in years and succeed in getting my knee full rehabbed and myself able to squat and deadlift again.  I am confident I will achieve all of these in 2014 and my progress in these areas will be the focus of this blog.  I am also going to discuss how mental issues affect training and sport performance in general, as this is what has done me the most good and the most harm over the years.  The very same mentality that can make you succeed can also destroy you from the inside out.