I was a geeky kid. I wore glasses, played chess, was academic and rarely played sports. This was great at the time given that I was home-educated up to age 12. The highlights of my week were Star Trek Voyager and Stargate SG-1 coming on TV. I was sci-fi obsessed, amd obsessed with topics such as astronomy, maths and physics, and as a result was successful in tests and exams in these.
Things changed rapidly when, at age 12, I was thrown into a college environment. College here in the UK is aimed at 16-18 year olds for the best part. So, basically I was smaller, shorter and weaker than everyone else around me. All I had in my favour was my academic knowledge but soon I found this worked against me as I was picked on constantly for being a geek, a nerd, a loser. Bus rides to and from college were the worst. I sat on my own, usually next to old ladies downstairs and used to try to not get noticed. If I was noticed then kids from all neighbouring schools would insult me, call me names, throw pens and pencils at me. At college things were no better, I had no peers because of the age gap. Lunch breaks were spent sat next to the bin by myself. If I was lucky, I would be left alone. If I was unlucky I would have chewed bits of food thrown into my lunch box. Life was terrible at this time for me. I felt insignificant, unwanted and useless. This went on for 2 years. I would see the same kids that bullied me daily walking down the college corridor with a beautiful girl on their arms. If I dared to even look at the girl to admire her, both of them would make a hurtful comment. Bullying by girls was very very tough to deal with with a young teenage mind. Stunning looking girls would seemingly comfort me while their male friends were picking on me, only to join in later with comments such as 'as if I'd go for a loser like you'. This was the start of my extreme hate for the world, and extreme hate for myself.
I got this idea one day that if I was to no longer to be small and weak, then I might be respected. I read everything I could about how to get big and strong, and begged my parents to buy me weights so I could start. After a few months, I got myself a part time job so I could afford gym membership. This was when life changed for me. I blew up, and realised I had decent genetics. My first year in the gym saw me gain 30kg of bodyweight. I would train simply to punish myself for being weak. It was a form of self harm, but one with a positive result. By the time I was 16 years old the bullying had stopped. And more importantly people respected me for my dedication to the gym and the results I had achieved. Even this was not enough. I wanted to be a freak, I wanted to be the centre of attention for being freakishly huge and strong. I imagined how good it would feel to compete, to lift massive weights and hear the cheers of the crowd. To know that they are cheering for me and my achievements... that is what I wanted. A few years down the line I had my first experience of this. The sheer contrast between being glorified by a crowd and what it was like being ridiculed as a kid or simply ignored because I was nothing. This is why I lift. This is why I like being big. I am going to die a FREAK, I am never going back to the person I was before the weights.
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